Saturday, October 22, 2005
Almost 3 weeks since I last made an entry. Had been going out and hanging around with friends more and more often... Somehow it sort of drew my attention and memory away from blogging.
i'm having sore eyes as i'm typing away, with only my right eye having a clear vision and my left eye, red and ever so blurry... really uncomfortable to type away, especially at night where my room's lighting isn't so good. however, i have this feeling that this will be a long entry...
it's a quiet night and i'm having a really slow song 'Last Night' by Lee-hom, my favourite singer, on my com. and this is the kind of night that makes me thing a lot about happenings around me. Just recently, i went to visit my god-grandma in the hospital. She's really old now and hasn't really been in the best of health. From as long as i can remember, she's always conversing in cantonese, no matter to who. in my generation of kids, not many of us can speak or would speak cantonese, even if we can. so i remember that she would talk to us in cantonese and we would reply her in chinese. somehow, language was not a barrier and i wonder how did we communicate... as we grow older, we would try our best to speak to her in dialect, using our ever-so-broken cantonese. i remember that whenever my god-grandma comes over to stay and chat with my grandma, i must 'give up' my room for her. as a child then, i always wonder why i must do that... and after some time, i will just automatically do it without having to be asked. somehow, i was very willing to do so... She watched my grow up, from the day i was born till now, when i'm already an adult. and i see her grow older and older, year by year.
the visit to the hospital was really heart-wrenching for me. she was so weak when i saw her, so different from all the times we meet. she cant really remember me or my brother... talking was tough and movement was equally difficult. as i stand next to the bed, i couldnt help but feel so helpless at that moment. there was nothing i could do or know wat to do. all i can was to stay rooted. then we left the hospital....
i dun like hospitals. it reminds me of unhappy memories. the time i stayed in the hospital because i almost got pneumonia...all i remembered from then was that the feeling of fear and homesick. then there was the time i last saw my maternal grandma in the hospital before she passed away. i missed her so much because she was the closest to me and brought me up. even till now, it still hurts so much when i tink of her. and my paternal grandma who stayed with us and also took care of me and my brother. the hospital was also the place where i said my last goodbye to her... i really dun like hospitals...
words cant describe my feelings now... ... it's gonna be a long long night ahead....
2:29 AM
